Be There.

What does it mean to truly be there for someone?

I think many people like to think that when hard times hit a friend, they would be there for them. And equally, if they were to go through something, they would hope their friend would then be there for them too.

But unfortunately, this isn't always the case.

And I have found this out the hard way.

I have always striven to be a peacemaker friend *note the difference - not a peacekeeper*. I am by no means the perfect friend, but I was brought up to treat others the way you want to be treated, to love unconditionally, to be loyal and honest, to apologise when you hurt someone, and to forgive when they hurt you.

Over my life, I have had many friends come and go. It seems that I am the friend that people come to with all their problems, and once I've had all their emotional baggage dumped on me (and I, in turn, have taken it on board myself, stupid), they leave when the waters get rocky for me in search of something more fun and easy. I've even had friends that I've introduced to one another, and they end up becoming better friends with each other instead. Ouch.

I feel privileged to be the person that people trust with their deepest issues and insecurities, but sometimes it would just be nice if this was returned when I needed it for a change. Isn't that supposed to be how friendships work?

Well, not for this girl (at the moment anyway, I'm praying my life doesn't stay the same *pleeease Lord?*).

And it's certainly not for lack of trying. I've tested the waters with some of my friends about my difficulties over the years, but I've always been met with shallow responses or a quick change of subject. Ok! I get the message loud and clear! We (being they) don't want to talk about this.

Believe it or not, I have even had friends (who I realise now are not true friends) side with the people who have hurt me (the most recent scenario being a frenemy essentially choosing to continue to hang out with my ex and his friends over me even after I gave her a little insight into what had happened). Who needs enemies when you've got friends like that??

There are people when faced with their friends' real-life problems that can't handle them so they run in the opposite direction. This is sad because it usually takes courage to share when you are struggling or have suffered (or at least it does for me). Especially if you've been in an abusive situation. So when you are continually turned away by people who supposedly love and care about you, it can be deeply wounding and only add to the trauma you've already experienced. How do you keep putting your heart on the line for it only to be crushed and abandoned again and again?

So, again I ask, what does it mean to truly be there for someone? These are in no particular order:

1. For starters, actions speak louder than words.

It's all well and good to say you care about someone or message someone to let them know you're thinking of them. But what does this look like?

Drop off some flowers and chocolates.

Offer to do their grocery shopping for the week or cook them a meal.

Support them in their healing, whatever that may look like - whether it be a rage room to demolish some feelings or peacefully journalling by the water with a coffee.

Even just sitting on the couch in your trackies together watching a movie can be a great distraction.

2. Shut up and listen.

Don't wait to say your piece, or even offer advice (however well-meaning it may be - you can get to that part at a later stage if it calls for it).

In a conversation or message, take note of each word and sentence. Do you know how many people have glossed over or missed things I've said or sent and then asked me about it later *or not even that, to be honest*?

If they ring, try and take that call. If you say you're available any time, make sure you mean that before you decide to roll over when you see their name pop up on your screen at 2 am. But it’s also ok too to put boundaries in place if you can‘t do late night or early morning calls.

3. Check in continually.

And don't be mad if they don't always respond. Life is hard and sometimes it just takes too much energy to respond when you're anxious or depressed. But know that the continual check-ins are appreciated even if it isn't communicated in the moment (or ever).

4. Love like Jesus.

Be sacrificial. Put their needs above your own for once (not at your own expense, but you get what I'm saying right?). Pray for them. Ask God for wisdom in how best to support them. Plead for rest and peace on behalf of them. Make time for yourself to be filled up so you too can rest and actually be able to give (Jesus had alone time as well!). Weep with them. Don't pull them out of their hole, but sit with them in it. And always point them back to Jesus.

5. If need be, help them to get help.

This might be recommending a counselor, booking them in for an appointment with their GP, or even accompanying them to the police if abuse has been involved.

I know if I had just one of these things offered to me by a friend, that would mean the world to me.

Now, to continue on the topic of abuse, I had to go to the police with my father after what had happened in my relationship with my ex on the recommendation of my counselor. My family had begun to suspect that something was wrong while I was dating him, but not they nor my friends had any idea of what was truly going on because I felt too embarrassed to reach out and say anything. So, I want to promote an app called 'Be There' (which was actually developed by my uni, Griffith University, which is pretty cool!). It is a tool that can be used for friends and family members of someone who is suspected of being in an abusive or domestic violence situation and feels they can't speak up. It has articles on how to be there for a friend who may be in need, a journal that you can take note of any concerning observations, skills to use to make sure they are ok via phone or otherwise that won't alert suspicion to the abuser and legal policies that can be useful on knowing where you stand in the justice system and what laws may help your friend. There is even a list of hotlines to multiple support services and so much more.

I can't recommend this app enough. If you would like to download it you can click here. You can also click here to go to their Instagram or here for the Facebook page.

Ok. Now, this year in 2022, can we please be there for one another? Like seriously? Because in a world where suicides, depression, anxiety, isolation, fear, and more are skyrocketing higher and higher every day, we need each other to lean on. We need to know that someone will be there for us.

Of course, though, we humans fail ourselves and each other over and over. So if and when you don't have someone that is there for you, remember that there is a Friend who is closer than a brother, who in actuality we are better off going to first with our pain. Easier said than done, right? Again, I’m reminding myself as much as anyone.

In this world, we will have trouble, but we can take heart because the Greatest Friend, the Friend who laid down His life for you and me (the best love of all), has overcome the world. Run to Him first. But even if you go to Him last, He will always be there.

#honestlyimperfect #mentalhealth #bethere #friends #abuse