Better Than I

Wow. It's been a while since my last post.

Honestly, I have struggled to find inspiration to write amidst the turmoil of life.

I feel like I start many of my posts like this, but life truly has seemed unfair the last few months - not only for myself but my whole family. We have continued to be swept under by waves, dashed against the rocks, and spat back into the deep, dark ocean to do it all over again.

It is hard to find joy and humour (unless it's slightly cynical) in life when faced with constant disappointment, hurt, and frustrations.

My physical, mental, and spiritual well-being has suffered more than I thought possible. I really do owe it all to the Lord that I have survived at all. My Heavenly Father is the One who held onto me when I struggled to hold onto Him. The Holy Spirit is the One who provided that last shred of hope when it felt like I had none left in my reserves. Jesus is the One who comforted me in the dark of night when I was all alone.

That doesn't mean I have felt close to Him through all of this though, and really I can only acknowledge these things looking back (hindsight is a cruel thing sometimes!). In fact, oft times I felt further away and more unlovable than ever. Unanswered prayer after unanswered prayer seemed to drive home that point even more. Disappointment and mediocre outcomes seemed as though the Lord was determined to stay absent and hidden from me - that, or He was just allowing the devil to mess with me in any way he liked as he did with Job.

These last couple of weeks in particular have not gone as well as I would have liked. On one hand, my court case is done, yet on the other, no earthly justice was had. One of my uni courses I did well in, but the other I have to re-sit the final exam for. My uncle and cousin were in a bad car accident, and while physically they are alright (mostly), the mental side of things is harder on all of them and none of us can even be there with them as they live overseas. My family and I are still under constant scrutiny and judgement, and sickness has held on tight for months, making it hard to do things at 100%.

All of this and more has been weighing heavily on me for quite a while, and so it has been hard to trust that the Lord has my best interests at heart. Praying, weeping, aching, praising, haven't seemed to be enough. However, I was miraculously reminded of Romans 8:28 this week when I messaged my uncle after his accident. It says:

"And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

I know I love Jesus, and so I am trusting that He is working everything for my good, and for the good of those around me who also love Him.

And after further disappointing results today, the Holy Spirit continued to gently minister to me by whispering into my heart the song 'Better Than I' from the movie Joseph: King of Dreams.

Listening to the song lyrics, I realised how very appropriate they were.

As Joseph was sold into slavery (by his brothers no less), wrongfully accused and imprisoned, discarded, and all but forgotten, he would have undoubtedly struggled to trust the Lord after He had presented him with heavenly dreams and a righteous future. I'm sure Joseph would have done all the same things I, and many others have done. Pleading on his knees, shaking his fists, praising, surrendering, repenting, and repeat. While I haven't led the exact life Joseph did, it certainly feels familiar.

And yet we know the end of the story for Joseph. As it says in the Bible, after Joseph was finally remembered at the right time and asked to interpret the Pharoah's dreams, he was told by Pharoah,

“Since God has made all this known to you, there is no one so discerning and wise as you. You shall be in charge of my palace, and all my people are to submit to your orders. Only with respect to the throne will I be greater than you.” - Genesis 41:39-40

The Lord rescued Joseph, put him in charge of Egypt second only to the Pharoah, saved Egypt with the dreams and wisdom he received from God, and reconnected with and forgave his brothers. Quite the turnaround!

This gives me a renewed hope. Just as the animated Joseph sang as he suffered alone in prison, I too sing, Lord, that You know better than I. And when I forget this, remind me again, Lord. For there is a righteous future promised for me - in fact I am already righteous in my current sufferings because of Jesus.

So, never let me forget that You work ALL things for my good Lord, for You know better than I.

#honestlyimperfect #jesusisking #youknowbetterthani