Do You Understand?

"I understand. Truly!"

There couldn't have been a phrase that grates on me more at the moment.

Sometimes, I just want to scream in reply to these people.

"NO YOU DON'T! YOU 'TRULY' HAVE NO IDEA!"

I know most people mean to say this in a nice way, that they are trying to be helpful and to make you feel less alone in your pain and suffering. But it really acts in quite the opposite way, or at least it does for me.

No one truly understands someone else's life experiences. We can't possibly because I'm not you and you're not me. Even if we were to go through the exact same journey, we would still be different in our emotions, our coping mechanisms, and our responses based on past experiences.

Also, sometimes I think when people are uncomfortable after something big has just been shared with them, they freak out. And "I understand" sounds like a good choice of words. Hate to break it to you, but, no. We humans are so bad at emotional interactions sometimes it baffles me.

Now, there have only truly been two responses outside of my family and therapist that I have received this year in regards to my trauma that demonstrated true compassion without trying to shove 'understanding' down my throat.

One friend, when I shared with her what had happened in my relationship with my abusive ex, immediately began to cry. She was devastated for me. Of course, this made me cry because it was the first time I had had a friend give this response of empathy. She didn't try to offer any words of encouragement or Christianese, nor did she once utter "I understand." It was so refreshing and needed. And I will always cherish that moment with her, as bittersweet as it was - especially since she was the first and only friend who knows something of what truly happened.

The other instance was a message I received from an old family friend. She had heard through the family grapevine that I was struggling with depression and PTSD from the relationship with my ex-boyfriend. She shared some of her experiences in her own life and the struggles of feeling as though nothing would get any better. But one of the most amazing things about it was that she said "I'm not exactly in your situation, but I do understand how it feels..." Whilst this friend shared that she understood, as she pointed out, she wasn't in my exact situation. She didn't try to pretend to understand me exactly to make herself feel better, but instead, she was sharing her genuine heart to relate to and sympathise with me. This was also such a needed message, I couldn't stop the tears as I read her words.

This is how you do it, people! You can't pretend to sympathise if you've never lived through a similar experience, and you can't begin to empathise if you can't put yourself in someone else's shoes and only observe from afar.

So, only two meaningful responses from my peers.

It does make one feel quite lonely; that there really aren't many people who understand. And none that do so truly.

We're only a couple of days out from Christmas. The story of Christmas is one of great joy and hope. It is a time for us to be reminded that even when we don't feel it, we now get the choice to believe that there is joy and hope and to believe in the One who came to bring it. We have been offered salvation and eternal life in Jesus, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords who was born as a little human baby in a manger.

Of course, salvation and fulfilment of the law was the key reason Jesus came to Earth. But I believe there is more.

He was God, but also human at the same time. If He wanted to, God could have found a way to restore us to Himself without becoming human. He's God, He can do anything. Duh. So why would God do such a thing as to lower Himself to a lowly human?

To understand.

Jesus understands.

Would He have had the chance to experience all the highs and lows of His creations' emotions - the happiness, the betrayal, rejection, excitement - if He hadn't become human Himself?

I don't know.

But I do know that Jesus did experience those emotions and He wants to sit with us as we go through them ourselves. The Bible reads on many occasions that Jesus felt love, grief, surprise, that He cried, groaned, was angry and in pain (Matt. 20:34; Mark 1:41; 3:5; 8:6; 10:21; Luke 7:9; 10:21; 22:15 John 11:5, 33–36 are just a few examples!).

I'm reminding myself as much as I am you, reading this. Because it seems impossible sometimes that God could possibly know what it feels like to have stress, to experience betrayal, to walk through abuse, especially when He is perfect, and He was walking the Earth two thousand years ago. But I have to remember that the Lord does know. Jesus literally had people wanting to kill Him as soon as He was born. He also sweat blood in the Garden of Gethsemane before His approaching crucifixion. (Do you know how stressed you have to be to do that? There's even a medical term for it called hematohidrosis. You should check it out!) One of Jesus' closest friends betrayed Him for thirty pieces of silver. Another close friend denied knowing Him three times. He was whipped and beaten, verbally and physically assaulted to the point where He would have likely been almost unrecognisable.

But this wasn't even the worst of it. On the cross right before His death, Jesus was physically and spiritually separated from the Heavenly Father as He was laden with our sin, which had never happened before. The pain of abandonment that Jesus felt must've been unbearable. Enough that He cried out, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). He only cried out once more before giving up His spirit and dying.

Thankfully, we know how the story ends. Jesus rose again, and He defeated sin and death. This was why He was born, this birth of Life and Light is what we celebrate at Christmas.

And this year I will also be choosing to celebrate that Jesus understands. Because of His birth as a human baby and His death on the cross, He will forever and always understand. He knows my pain intimately and He is present with me in it. This is what gives me joy and hope this year when nothing else seems to.

So, I pray that you too will know and believe that whatever you have walked through or are still walking through, or when it seems that no one on Earth could possibly know what it feels like to be in your shoes:

There is Someone who understands.

#honestlyimperfect #stressedanddepressed #JesusisKing #Christmas