How Am I?

Ok. So, I realise my last post was pretty scathing in its review of the church and mostly absent my usual sass *hehe*. I believe every word that I wrote, but I recognise that it was a little more depressing than some of my earlier posts (I think so anyway, guess it depends on what you call depressing).

Unfortunately, it is simply how I feel about the modern church (it is also a generalisation, certainly not all people and pastors are like what I described). I hope it made people think a little more about what goes on under their noses. However, I do want to clarify something.

I do appreciate my church (campus). I love a lot of the families that are a part of our church family, I love serving in the kid's ministry and listening to real Biblical sermons from our campus pastor. I honestly think he’s the best pastor across our church (he‘s observant, empathetic, and has actually taken the time to get to know me for me). The peer side of things and some of the other campuses that fall under our church are a little less great for me, but on the whole, I do love my campus family.

However, it’s like I’ve said before to my parents, I still feel alone. The families at our church, while wonderful, are family friends. I babysit their kids, I’m not friends with their kids. I don’t really have many peers at my campus as the young adult community is basically non-existent. And when there are people my age visiting, they come from the other campuses and are often the very people who have judged me and whispered about me behind my back. So it makes it pretty difficult to want to mingle.

Hence why I’ve had a hiatus from church for a while. It’s just too hard to go through the emotional stress of feeling so isolated every week. Because I can still see the families I love outside of church, I can still listen to my pastor’s sermons via podcast.

Some people would argue that that’s not the right way to do fellowship and church. This used to affect me, and to some degree still does. Some days I feel like a terrible Christian. That I’m doing the wrong thing by not attending a service on a Sunday. That I should just suck it up because there is no perfect church and move on.

But I tried that, and all it did was keep ripping off the scab that hadn’t quite healed the wound yet.

And why is it so wrong to do what I’m doing at the moment? Because I’ve realised that I am starting to heal.

I started this blog, which has been super therapeutic. I’ve been on holiday from uni so I’ve had time to simply rest and start to enjoy things again that had stopped giving me any sense of joy. I’ve been praying and talking more to God about things, really facing some of my suffering head-on (scary stuff, but I can’t avoid it forever!). I’m ever so slowly getting back into reading my Bible more again after struggling to for such a long time. I’m outside nearly every day and I have the mix of sunburn and tan to prove it (instead of my deathly pallor that resembled that of Casper the Ghost).

Plus, it’s not like I’m never going to go to church again. It’s only for a season. I might pop in every now and again on a random Sunday, but for now, it feels good to be free of the pressure of having to be someone I’m not and do something I just can’t right at the moment.

So, to answer the titled question, how am I?

I’m still healing, not every day or moment is great (as evidenced by my seesawing posts), but I’m doing a whole lot better than I was *just gotta keep taking those meds ;)*.

I think we can underestimate the power of a break to just simply be. To rest and recover from a hard season where we can be filled up and be kind to ourselves. Too much of our culture is focused on how many things we have crammed into our day. It’s trendy to say “I’m so tired” or “I’m so busy” to make sure our lives sound interesting and involved - it’s a status thing. Because if we were to say that we’re rested and not doing much, that we’re not sleep-deprived, well, we must be lazy! I know I’ve certainly thought that about myself over the course of these last few months.

But didn’t God take a rest on the seventh day after creating the world? Are we saying we’re better than God if we choose not to rest?

This seventh day was modelled to us to show us the importance of rest. The importance of being filled up by the Lord to worship Him, and spending time recharging for an undoubtedly crazy week ahead (certainly in the times we live in).

So I think, for now, my Sundays are spent just how God wants me to spend them. With Him and the people I love, and just being myself, learning to love who He made me to be again.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.” - Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1-14‬

#honestlyimperfect #church #rest #Hemakeseverythingbeautiful #seasonforeverything