It Is Well

Life is hard at the moment. Not just for me, or even my family. Life is just exhausting - whether it be emotionally, physically, or spiritually draining - so many people I know are not coping at the moment.

For a long time, the way I would *attempt* to cope, however, was to say "it is what it is", suck it up, and shove it down. Especially throughout my relationship with my ex. Real healthy, I know. Because after a while of shoving everything way deep down, I would burst forth in angry song (more appropriately called a breakdown, not song), as my method of surviving wasn't working. Wow, surprise.

I'm also good at being passive-aggressive. Maybe too good sometimes.

Enough that my brother and dad start joking when it kicks in with "P.A.! P.A.!".

Awesome. I have a warning system.

But as my therapist pointed out, this warning system, as frustrating as it is sometimes, can be used to help me become less passive-aggressive and more assertive. Because passive-aggressiveness is a coping mechanism used to say something without being completely honest. And I don't want to be stuck using this unhealthy method my whole life. (Funnily enough, this blog has apparently been quite assertive, so maybe the anonymity has helped bring out the honestly imperfect me! *hehe*).

"It is what it is" is a very passive statement, one that would suggest that I don't have power or control over what is happening to me even though I could do something about it - essentially victimizing. Yuck.

The same phrase though can be used as a resting place, suggesting that I don't have power or control over what is happening to me, and that's ok - essentially joyfully suffering. An oxymoron hey. The former references a response to the external, whereas the latter is in response to the internal.

However, I've come to realise that while "it is what it is" is my passive response, "it is well" can become my real honest response, my true resting place that separates the two comments from one another.

It is well with my soul.

These are some difficult words to say, to sing, to believe. Especially when the last thing my heart and mind want to do is surrender. Don't wave the white flag! Increase the ammunition, fire some sarcastic comments, bomb the insecurities, KO the care factor, defend the stone wall fortress around the heart for as long as it takes!

But this isn't what Jesus wants for me.

He wants me to lower my defences and find rest for my soul in Him.

I belong to Him, therefore He promises to remove my heart of stone that I keep defending for one of flesh (Ezekial 36:26).

My heart, mind, and body may continue to lament and hurt for a while, but the Lord promises to lament with me and heal me in the process. Because His heart for me, His daughter, is gentle and lowly. His arms are open and welcoming, and His embrace is tender and understanding.

In Matthew 11:28-30 it says, "Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I'm really struggling at the moment, and nothing feels easy or light right now. I want to keep reverting back to my coping mechanisms of passive-aggressiveness and the "it is what it is" mantra. But "it is what it is" focuses on the external and internal. However, "it is well with my soul" looks upward to Him. My physical body may not feel at rest, but my soul is promised that in Jesus.

So, even when sorrows like sea billows roll and though trials shall come - whatever my lot - He will teach me to sing "It is well with my soul".

#honestlyimperfect #itiswell #withmysoul #wearyandburdened #soulrest