Second Nature

I watched the movie 'Pretty Woman' last night. I already knew roughly what the movie was about, but it was better than I was expecting. *Lots of great one-liners, basically a modern Shakespeare with all the new phrases and quotable quotes that came out of that movie*

I know it's typical for most people to relate to the main character of a movie or a book, essentially inserting themselves into the role as if it was their own life being played out before their very eyes. That's what makes a great movie or book. But I really did relate to Julia Robert's character, Vivian. Granted, I'm not a prostitute and I don't live in Beverly Hills in a crappy apartment, but hey.

What I related to was the constant judgement she was subjected to. Whether that be viewed as an object, judged for what she did or even who she was. Not the right look, not the right job, not good enough, not smart enough, not worthy of being treated right, not worthy of love. All before they'd even said a word to her.

I've certainly felt all of that over my life, but especially the last few months since I broke up with my ex.

Once friends no longer smile and wave or even talk to me anymore. People who hardly knew me when we were together think they know me very well now. Conversations (can they even be called that?) are short and stilted from the other's end, with accompanying tight-lipped half-smiles being given as eyes look me up and down before they glance over my shoulder for an escape. Seats are switched, invitations 'forgotten', people turn around to get a better look at "the girl that took her ex to court". Looks of deep hatred and disgust that will forever be burned into my mind.

"He was my friend first, and I'm not changing for you."

"What a b****."

"Did you hear about..."

"She wasn't invited."

"What's her problem?"

All real things said to me, or nearby in a stage whisper, just so I understand what they truly think of me.

Of course, it's my problem, my fault, I caused all of this. That's why I've disappeared from society, why I'm unworthy, why I want to die. And they don't even care or care to know.

I don't know what these people know, or what they think they know, but at this point, I feel like I may as well be a prostitute the way I've been outcast.

And it hurts. It hurts like hell.

Like someone shoved a knife in my heart, twisted it for good measure, then kicked me in the gut to make sure the job was done.

Because the abuse that I went through during my relationship wasn't enough. Oh no.

It's funny because Vivian was the most beautiful, most kind, most funny, most bright woman that half the men and women in the movie had ever met, and yet they treated her like dirt. All because of what they 'thought they knew'. All because they made a judgement. My heart broke for her, and women like her.

It's sad how easily people judge people - it's like second nature.

And I'll be honest, I thought Christians would be better than that. Certainly my own friends at least.

Obviously not.

I'm not writing to bash my ex, or even get the facts out there for people to hear and believe to counteract the lies he's surely told. He lied in court, so I think he's got it pretty down pat (ok, maybe a little bashing). Because likely, they've already heard what they want to hear and will believe what they want to believe. There is only so much I can do or say, and we're long past that point. It would only be falling on deaf ears now.

But I know that my conscience is clear, that God knows what really happened, and that vengeance is His. It would be nice to see the vengeance part in action *could you Lord?* If I don't though, I pray that I make my peace with that. Because one way or another, my ex's and these other people's true colours will show eventually.

I said at the beginning of all this judgement unfolding, "It's ok. God knows the truth. I can hold my head up high. And anyway, this is not my home, I'm just passing through. If that means I have to wait until I get to Heaven to feel like I belong somewhere, then so be it."

Man, I had no idea how hard it was going to get.

My head is not held very high at the moment. In fact, you can often find it buried under the covers, tear-stained and heavy with a migraine. Every day, Heaven with Jesus looks more and more enticing and I wish I could cut down the time it takes to pass on through. Skip to the good part.

But.

Instead of using it in the negative connotation as I've so frequently heard it used in regards to myself, I'm saying But.

But.

I won't let him win.

Won't let her win.

Won't let the Enemy win.

I won't be told that I'm worthless.

I won't be told that I'm boring.

I won't be told that I'm ugly.

I won't be told that I'm only good for a f***.

Even if those words, the bad stuff, are easier to believe than the good stuff.

Because God says:

I am more precious than rubies.

I am beautiful.

I am chosen.

I am holy and without blame.

I am redeemed.

To all you pretty women (and men) out there, those promises are for you too.

No matter if you're a bookworm, a model, a scientist, a musician, a check-out chick, a drug addict, or yes, even a prostitute. Because if God could use Rahab the prostitute who very purposely ended up in the family line of Jesus, then He can certainly use you too.

So I’m going to be like Vivian. A pretty woman. Brave. Kind. Smart. Bold.

And best of all, I’m going to hold my tear-stained head up high and love without fear and shame *might have to fake it for a bit*.

Not judging. That's God's job.

Loving. Loving like it’s second nature.

#honestlyimperfect #prettywoman #judgement #love #secondnature