The Crush of Disappointment

This week, my doctor told me that she was disappointed with me.

I think we're all familiar with the saying "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed."

No one likes being told that they've disappointed someone. Especially when it's someone you respect. And I think we can all agree, we'd much rather take anger (or at least have the option of a heated debate) than disappointment.

My doctor has been aware of the physical and mental health journey that I've been on this year. She has always been very understanding and helpful. So I was surprised and hurt by her choice of words when she said she was disappointed.

The reason this conversation came about was due to the fact that I have not been covid vaccinated, which she didn't know up until this point. Many are surprised when I tell them this because I've studied Biomedical Science. Funnily enough, this is precisely the reason I chose not to get it. What I have studied and what I know about viruses, vaccines, and the human body made the choice very easy for me. I know people disagree with this, and that's ok. You are entitled to your opinion just as I am mine.

I've been aware for many months that there is hatred, hurt, anger, and disappointment towards non-covid-vaxxers. But this was the first time it had been said so bluntly to my face.

And it was crushing.

I held it together in the doctor's office.

I held it together in the car whilst driving.

Then I got home. And I began to sob.

It's truly awful being told that someone is disappointed in you.

Later that day, I had many responses come to mind that I could have said in reply to my doctor instead of my polite "ok". But in typical fashion for me, it's always hours too late to say anything. Ugh. Any other slow comeback creators here?

On top of that, the following day, I received an email that said I may not be allowed on my university campus next year if a new health directive comes into play because, again, I'm not vaccinated. I have been at this university for three years. I have one year left before I can finish my current degree.

This was a different kind of disappointment, but it was just as crushing.

I have had a dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach for weeks and months, waiting for this email. Hoping it would never come, but also knowing it likely would.

To quote MJ from Marvel's Spiderman, "If you expect disappointment, you'll never be disappointed."

This is only partly true though. The sting and crush of initial disappointment don't go away just because you expect it. Sure, it might not last as long. And it might give you some sort of chemical hit knowing you guessed right. The answer you chose was: B - disappointment. And the answer is... B! Well done! You just won yourself a free hit of dopamine!

But at the end of the day, it only serves to make you more bitter and depressed.

That's an ironically disappointing answer, isn't it?

And at the moment, I'm guilty as charged. I expect disappointment. It feels like there is no good left in my life and I don't have much hope that it's going to get any better.

However, there is a small, tiny, minuscule part of me though, that clings to a single thread of hope that can only be explained by the Holy Spirit's presence in me. And also probably partly due to the fact that I really, really don't want to be bitter (that's not a fun one you want to root out - you'll need more than your average 80 year old's gardening tools to get the job done on that one).

So, I'm going to cling to that single thread of hope as I dangle precariously over the chasm of crushing disappointment. It's taking all my remaining strength to do so, and I'm already extremely weak in every sense of the word (the only way I might get some abs is from all my continual crying, so that's fun). But I guess that's kind of when God does His best work, right? ...Right? *any time now God would be good!*

I haven't done this before, but I'm going to write a prayer for me, and for you too if you're struggling with the crushing weight of disappointment at the moment. Because one thing I know for certain is that God cares about us, and when two or more are gathered in His name, He is there with us (Matthew 18:20). So, here goes:

Heavenly Father,

Thank You that You love us.

No matter what we do, You continue to love us.

Thank You that You are sovereign and that nothing goes unnoticed by You, including the disappointment in ourselves or from others that we hide in our hearts.

Forgive us when we let it turn to anger and bitterness. Soften our hearts and help us to give this over to You in surrender so that You might change us and grow us.

And please Lord, continue to be with us in our hurt and our weakness. For it says in Your Word, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9).

It doesn't always feel this way as we struggle with the crushing weight of disappointment, amongst all the other struggles of life, so I ask that You would make Your presence and Your love known in an overwhelmingly real way to us right now Lord.

Fill us with the strength of Your Holy Spirit so that we can keep going, taking life one day at a time.

Thank You again that You love us Lord, and thank You that You are close to the brokenhearted.

We pray and ask all of these things in the Almighty Name of Jesus,

Amen.

#honestlyimperfect #disappointment #whenIamweakHeisstrong