The Ones

Yikes, it's been a while since my last post. Life has kind of just gotten away from me, you know?

Generally, I have been going alright on the whole. Last week was really great actually. I was chatting with my therapist and I finally came to the conclusion that the people who have hurt me at church since the abuse with my ex became known don't need to be in my life anymore. For now, church is not somewhere I need to be, and I can tend to my relationship with God in healthier ways than constantly being faced with fresh trauma each Sunday from the young adults around me.

I was ecstatic. I had prayed and talked with God lots about it because I felt as though I would be betraying Him and my pastor by not coming every Sunday (in other words, not a good little Christian girl). But finally receiving confirmation and blessing from the Lord in my quiet time as well as affirmation from my therapist and parents made me feel such utter relief that I haven't experienced in so long. I didn't have to keep putting myself in such an awful position around my uncaring peers every Sunday anymore!

And then I could finally get to the real trauma of my ex as we had now put the surface trauma of my church frenemies to rest. Oh...

Suddenly my nightmares and flashbacks of him are returning. Goody!

I'll be honest, I'm absolutely terrified to go further down this road. I started to and have in some parts conquered some of the initial trauma my ex gave me. But there are equally things that I can hardly verbalise let alone think about without wanting to crawl out of my own skin or feeling so sick to my stomach that I feel like throwing up. Things that I haven't shared with anyone, that are hidden and shoved away in the deepest parts of my heart.

On top of that, the court case that has been going on since September last year was supposed to finish up last Wednesday in court. I was told I didn't need to be present, that the police would handle it. I was, again, so relieved that that part of my story was finished. But today I got a letter in the mail saying the case was to be reviewed again in June. Immediately my stomach was roiling with the same feeling I felt back in September and November when I was waiting for my name to be called over the loudspeakers out the front of the courthouse. Absolute terror. I think I even blanked out at one point with the sheer overwhelming fear that came crashing down once I'd read the letter. Even now typing this I can sense the dark fear out on the edges of my mind trying to entrap my thoughts.

Part of me thinks this extension is due to the apology letter from the Chief Magistrate I received for the way I was treated and dismissed in court, in that they felt they should extend the case to give me a fair hearing. And if so, I suppose it's 'kind' of them. However, I just want it to be over.

The other part of me has this irrational (note the word irrational) fear that my ex is somehow behind it, showing up to court and messing with me and the outcome of the case hearing. Because it's not like I'm under a police protection order anymore like I was initially.

I'll find out what's happening once I contact the courts, but it still freaks me out. I can't do court again. I can't see my ex in all his smug, abusive, swagger again. I can't look at the magistrate who verbally assaulted me again. I just can't.

Sometimes I wonder if going to the police and then court was a good thing. Lots of pain has come from it - losing friends and being shunned by my peer community, having gossip and lies spread around about me, and just generally feeling more alone than I ever have before. But deep down I know it was the right choice. I know who my real friends are now, who have my best interests at heart. The old me is gone, but a new and better one will rise from the ashes with a crown of beauty as the Lord promises in Isaiah 61. And ultimately, I didn't do this just for me.

I did it for all the girls out there like me. The ones who have been abused and traumatised. The ones who are afraid and anxious. The ones who don't know how to speak up for fear of the consequences. The ones who have been abandoned and betrayed when they did. The ones who don't know how to deal with the pain and hardship of what has been dealt to them.

I did it for the one in four women that have experienced physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse by a man they know.

I did it for all the girls out there like me. Because if my speaking up and showing people that abuse is wrong, if my speaking up can make other girls feel less alone and more seen and heard, then I will have achieved what I set out to do. And now my trauma and abuse, while awful, can allow me to share in the suffering and comfort of those like me.

So if you feel like any of the ones mentioned above - you aren't alone.

And guess what? Jesus sees you, He knows you, and He loves you. He hates what was done to you and He weeps with you too, storing up your precious tears that no one else sees. I pray that you would know that in the deepest darkest place of your heart that you don't show to anyone else, Jesus is there with you, waiting for you to give your fears and burdens to Him - for He loves to take them because He loves you.

In fact, He loves so much that He leaves the ninety-nine to chase after the one.

Jesus leaves the ninety-nine to chase after YOU.

After me.

After all the ones.

Thank You, Lord, that You see, that You care, that You love the ones - even when no one else does.

#honestlyimperfect #theones #JesusisKing #Jesusweepstoo #notalone