Walking Blind

Today I decided to take a walk down Facebook memory lane - or more accurately described, it was more like falling down the rabbit hole. I really have no idea how I ended up scrolling down further and further on my profile page, looking at old photos, *some* funny memes (I guess my humour can be a little oddball sometimes), and cringeworthy comments. But it was encouraging to see all the verses and quotes about Jesus, the Gospel, and Christianity that I had posted. I had always posted them in the hopes that my non-Christian friends from uni and such would see them and ask questions. Equally though, I posted them as reminders for myself, and they have served their purpose as of now.

Something that I had completely forgotten about was a short six-minute video called 'Abandoned' that I had posted back in 2019. I clicked on it and watched it again. Please watch it too before you continue (or at least after) because I can't recommend it enough. Plus the rest of my blog post will make more sense. So, ya know, do yourself a favour and watch it *and yes that is the link in the title in case you missed it*.

It was interesting to remember that 2019 was probably one of the best years of my life. I was thriving, enjoying uni, meeting new people, at a church I loved, and feeling in a really great place in my relationship with God. I was really encouraged by the video the first time I saw it, which is what made me share it, but even more so now. My goodness did I sob. And wow, I have been walking blind (and not just because I have to wear glasses *yes I eat my carrots*).

Since my relationship and then break-up with my ex, I have felt as though I lost some part of myself. As if I have just been going through the motions, only surviving, not really living. Because whilst going through all my old Facebook posts, I saw people mentioning how kind or loving or friendly I was during school or uni, or for whatever reason. I struggled to believe that then that it was anything special, and truly I feel humbled and surprised that people thought that of me at all. Particularly at the moment, I feel as though those compliments are undeserved. In the last year I have felt the angriest, most hurt and depressed I've been; I have sworn (never before done by good little Christian me) and yelled (at home obviously *eek*), and I have avoided people like the plague (and not just because of the 'plague' going around). While at my core I know I want to be that version of me - loving, kind, and friendly (and truly I do try my best to still be that person around others as all humans deserve the right to be treated that way regardless of what I might be going through) - my thoughts and feelings haven't always bent that way as of late. Which, let's be honest, you can probably kind of tell from my recent blog posts.

I felt as though I was the girl in the video. Slowly going blind, becoming more and more despairing as she cried out to her father who she believed had abandoned her. Struggling every day with simple tasks that others would have found easy. Wondering if her father didn't love her anymore or wasn't proud of her, if she would ever be able to accomplish the dreams she once had.

What is so special about this video is that her father was there. Working behind the scenes or sometimes even right in front of her, which she couldn't see due to her worsening blindness. He wept when she did, he yelled in frustration and anger that his daughter had to suffer so. But the reason he left her seemingly alone was that in him allowing her to walk through her troubles blindly, she learnt new skills. She learnt how to do the simple things, and some of the harder things too. She learnt that she was beautiful inside and out. She learnt how to live in the suffering, not just survive. And her father was right beside her all the way, whether she knew it or not.

Obviously, this video demonstrates our relationship with our Heavenly Father. In our suffering and pain, we often feel as though God has abandoned us, that He is no longer proud of us, or that He doesn't love us anymore. And because we can't see Him (literally and sometimes also spiritually), it makes it all that much easier to believe those lies. I know I have thought every single one of them many times over.

Lately, as I said, I have felt more blind than ever, walking along a lonely path. Struggling on my own, knowing my Father is out there, but not truly knowing how to believe in the promises He has given me. Wondering if He is no longer proud of me for my excessive crying, anger, shame and guilt. Wondering if He only loves me when I'm not swearing and yelling at the world, when I'm not hurting in my suffering. Wondering if I will ever get better and live out my hopes and dreams.

But the beautiful ending of the video gives me hope. Her father rescues and reveals himself to her, embracing her and showing her how far she has come. The girl finishes with the line:

My dad says he gave me what I needed, not what I wanted. Love is allowing someone to see their true worth and beauty. I used to think my dreams were over, I thought I'd never run again. And even though I can't see my dad, I know he's guiding me the entire way.

These words hit me so deeply this time around. I cried and cried, and I felt as though something new had been revealed to me in my blindness. These are the times when I wish I could give God a real hug. Because I can't remember the last time I have felt more cherished, cared for, and loved by Him as I did in that moment. It brought to mind the 'Footprints' poem, realising that He has been carrying me along this hard and narrow path all this time.

So, I am believing (without seeing) that this is me and God right now. I'm getting what I need, not what I want. I don't know why that is, but even if it is only to see myself how God sees me and grow more in love with Him, then it's worth it. Even if it is only to love others and show kindness better than I ever did before, then it's worth it. Because truthfully, I don't think it will only be that. I can learn so much more from this than I could going along my merry way, blissfully ignorant and blind in a different sense. One day my dreams might come true, even if they look a little different to how I originally thought. And even though I can't see my Dad and at times I feel as though I'm walking (or even stumbling) blindly through life, I know He's guiding me the entire way.

One day I pray that I will get to those Heavenly gates after my humbling and steady (oft times slow and blind) walk along the narrow path, and my Father will say, "Look how far you've come, daughter. Well done my good and faithful servant." And then finally, I really will be able to give Him that hug I've always wanted to.

#honestlyimperfect #walkingblind #believingwithoutseeing #JesusisKing #narrowpath